10.28 pm

I really thought that I have moved on from him, from my past. But the reality is.. I'm not. It just so hard for me to forget everything. I keep myself busy with things to do, but every time I pause, I will think of him. Sometimes, I just feel like I don't even understand myself anymore. After what he had done to me, it's hurt so bad to see him with anyone else. My mood will go swing just because of these little things. I've always tried to tell myself that I'd fall in love with someone else, but my stubborn heart is still set on him. Why is it so hard for him to appreciate my efforts? Why is it so easy for him to forget everything and act like everything that we had before is not real? Ugh, fml

11.41 pm

Do you ever have that feeling when you really in love with that someone, until you reach that point when you think you're important to that someone but actually.. you're not. Korbankan semua yang kau ada, sebab terlalu sayang. Yes, i've been in that situation. Walau busy macam mana pun rasa, tetap cuba untuk luangkan masa to give them priorities by giving them my attention.

 My problem is that... i cared too much. It hurts like hell when someone makes you feel special, then suddenly leaves you hanging, and you have to act like you don't care at all. The worst part is, they promised you to always stay by your side and will always be with you no matter what. At the end... they're the one who left. And you're the one who still keep the promises and try to keep loyal even though they're not even there anymore. Sampai rasa tak nak kenal dengan orang yang baru dengan alasan nak setia dengan dia. Tapi hakikatnya? Dia dah tak ada. 

Just like what i've said, it's really hard for me to move on from something i really love. He's there with me before, for two years. During my hectic matrics life, he's there to make me feel better. And i don't really understand how can he let me go that easy. It hurts me more when i know there's someone betrayed me just to take him away from him. Why is it so easy for people to take me for granted? I love everyone around me, and i don't even have any bad intention towards them. I feel bad when that bad memories keep hitting me. I keep on sacrifice myself for the people i love, but my efforts are never ever been appreciated. 

Now, i'm doing my degree in Kelantan. I feel different now you know... the one who were there for me before, always cheer me up is already gone. And the one who i thought my best friend and where i can put my trust.. is gone too. It's hard to fix things (build trust) once they get damaged so badly, isn't? I really lost myself you know.

Nothing much, i just wanted to be the old Mia for this 2017.

I'll try my best.

11.49 pm

9 Februari 2016

Kau buat aku jadi gadis yang paling bahagia,

di hadapan kawan kita semua kau layan aku istimewa,

kau buat aku lupa pada semuaaa luka sebelumnya,

dan aku bodoh untuk fikir kita akan kekal begitu selamanya.

9 Februari 2017

Ya, semua sudah pun berubah,

semua mimpi impian kita dahulunya sudah hancur punah,

yang dulunya kau hargai aku seperti permata tapi kini dilayan seperti sampah,

hanya digunakan untuk puaskan semata nafsu serakah.

9.58 pm

I literally remember abt all the things we said in the conversation we had one year ago. You promised me to always be by my side no matter what bcs you already know abt my past and you don't want to repeat his mistakes.

But darling,
look at us now...

1.32 am; Appreciation post.

Hi guys. I feel like i want to make an appreciation post at this hour since i'm not really in a good mood, feeling so "gloomy" lately. I'm not happy and i'm not even sad. One second i feel like  i want to cry, and another second i feel like i just want to laugh sampai semput.

Ok yup, you know you're so blessed when you have a friends who you can talk every single things and show them the real you without having any doubts? And i'm so thankful to have them in my life. Bergaduh seribu bulan pun, we'll try to settle it down no matter what. They'll always make sure to not going to leave their girls being alone in depression.

They're the one who probably knows me more than myself. Thank you girls, for being with me through thick and thin. I have so much love for each and everyone of you. Thank you for being the best bestfriends anyone could ask for. Sometimes, i just feel like i don't deserve them bcs all of them are way too good for me. By looking at me now, i just feel like i don't deserve them.

Despite all the things that happened to me before, by having them with me.. everything seems to be easy and smooth. Bcs i know, even though there's people who already left me, but these girls are always sticking with me and will always be by my side since day one we were first met. I really put my trust and my hopes really high on each of them. I swear, i can't even imagine what will happen to my life if they're not exist (i'm crying now, lol) bcs they are who they are; my happy pills, my problems solver, my inspiration, my sisters! Let's grow older together, ok djm? ♡♡♡

8/11; missing pyka, amal & sarah.

1.28 am

It's finally February guys.

I don't even know how do i feel right now, for the first time in my life... i'm not even excited for February. Yeah, it's a month for me as my birthday is on this month. But it holds too much memories of 2015 and 2016. For the first time in my life i really hope that i can skip this month and disappear bcs i know everything is not going to be the same anymore.

I don't even know whether i can get through this phase or not bcs this feelings are too hard to bare by my own self. I'm that type of person who will always remember the dates and memories. I remember EVERYTHING that happened last year and it's hurt. It's my fault for putting my hopes too high; which i think that everything will always remain the same and none of us will not going to change.

He made my February for this 2 years so lovely. We've created too much memories.

 I still remember on the 2nd where he terpaksa teman me to find some typical things for kms bcs of i have a really bad flu and fever, on the 4th which it's my turn to teman him buat cermin mata for the first time and bought him a new leather shoes for work, the 5th which he's being so emotional at night, 7th when my family were having tahlil at my house and he felt so disappointed and sad bcs he couldn't join us, on 8th which is my birthday; we both watched football games together bcs it's chelsea (me) vs man utd (him)!, the 9th which we celebrated my birthday with parkson friends at Sunway Pyramid, on the 11th the day he treated me like a princess which we celebrated my birthday just two of us; he bought me bracelet and gave me lots of memories to remember, on 13th was the day he received his spectacle and he was so happy bcs of the spect that i've chosen for him, 23-26th were so emotional days when he had to go for camping without phone and it was really hard for us and i still remember how bad mood i was during the days and nights at kms back then and the moment when he came all the way from camping just to meet me without having any enough rest, and the 29th when me and my classmates were having a competition for dodgeball and aerobic; i still remember the voicenote he sent to me and my classmates just to support us!

There's lots of thing to remember and yes, i'm so stupid to remember all that, fml.

7.50 pm

It has been a really longggg time i'm not updating my blog. Lol here i am after TWO YEARS!

Apa yang aku boleh describe my past 2016 is only sucks. My life is full of jokes ok. I don't really know why this thing will happen to me. And i keep ruining my life for trusting wrong people. Sakit, bila benda yang kau tak expect langsung betul betul terjadi. Semuanya bermula dengan bahagia dan indah saja tapi siapa sangka akan berakhir macam ni?

I've made a really big mistake for going back working to that place, and i'm so STUPID to hope that everything is going to be like we used to be before in return... but i was wrong. I've been depressed for almost 4 months and i started to lose interest in so many things and yup, i lost almost 8kg at that moment. 

I decided to go to Kelantan (bawak diri lah kononnya) even though i really hate Kelatan. It's really hard for me to adapt and it's pretty sucks for the first half sem. Aku bukan diri aku. Aku banyak berdiam dan menyendiri. Apa semua kawan kawan baru aku buat, aku tak ada satu pun perasaan. Happy tak, benci pun tak. Every nights i'll cry before going to sleep and had a really bad dreams. Every single night. First time dalam hidup i feel so heartless. 

And alhamdulillah everything is going really well now. I've gained weight again and i have a really great double chin too now! Yeah, it's really hard to move on when all you've done is just ruining yourself. There are things we never tell anyone. Ya kadang-kadang aku rasa, semua orang benci aku dgn diri aku sekarang ni because i hate myself too haha. Jijik.

But one thing we need to know is that everybody left. No matter how much you cared about them, no matter how much they promised you they'll try to change and stay, they always found a way to walk out of your life. One second everything was warm and well, the next second you were all but forgotten.

You just can't let go of all the good times, you can't let go of all the memories and you can't accept the fact that you're really going to have to live without them. You just can't accept it though bcs you love them even though lately they've been driving you insane. You just want to be the one who heal the relationship, but it's not something you can do on your own. A relationship involves two people and you can fight like hell for it, but if they aren't willing to fight with you then you know you're hanging on to nothing, but you just can't let go. It will be really hard when you've been lied and your trust has been broken by someone that you didn't expect at all. The one who you used to tell everything and put your head on their shoulder.

I've been in that place. It's okay, let the time heals the pain.

1.20 am

Mungkin aku diam, dan pura pura tidak tahu

dan mungkin aku memaafkan, tapi tak akan pernah lupa

Mungkin kau lupa,

bukan kau seorang saja punya hati dan perasaan

dan bukan kau seorang saja boleh bertindak kejam

Teruskanlah permainan kau,

aku mahu lihat 👀👏🏻

12.47 am

Crying when you are in sujud during solat is the best feeling ever i told you

I feel relieved right now, i feel like all of my problems and my sadness just disappear and i hope it wont come back

Yes, you might have a fake listener, but He is the most best listener, He has all the strength that you need

and.... I'm started to redha. If something is meant to be it will be. Have faith kan?

12.14 am

Bila mana kau terlalu mudah meletakkan kepercayaan kau kpd seseorang,

dan seseorang itu ialah sahabat kau

Yang kau jadikan dia sbgi tempat utk mengadu, yang kau rasa-- dia boleh faham situasi kau

Dan akhirnya,

dialah yang tikam belakang kau,

yang menghancurkan kepercayaan kau yg telah kau bagi

Kelakar kan hidup ni?

Ha-ha