Tuesday, January 31, 2017

7.50 pm

It has been a really longggg time i'm not updating my blog. Lol here i am after TWO YEARS!

Apa yang aku boleh describe my past 2016 is only sucks. My life is full of jokes ok. I don't really know why this thing will happen to me. And i keep ruining my life for trusting wrong people. Sakit, bila benda yang kau tak expect langsung betul betul terjadi. Semuanya bermula dengan bahagia dan indah saja tapi siapa sangka akan berakhir macam ni?

I've made a really big mistake for going back working to that place, and i'm so STUPID to hope that everything is going to be like we used to be before in return... but i was wrong. I've been depressed for almost 4 months and i started to lose interest in so many things and yup, i lost almost 8kg at that moment. 

I decided to go to Kelantan (bawak diri lah kononnya) even though i really hate Kelatan. It's really hard for me to adapt and it's pretty sucks for the first half sem. Aku bukan diri aku. Aku banyak berdiam dan menyendiri. Apa semua kawan kawan baru aku buat, aku tak ada satu pun perasaan. Happy tak, benci pun tak. Every nights i'll cry before going to sleep and had a really bad dreams. Every single night. First time dalam hidup i feel so heartless. 

And alhamdulillah everything is going really well now. I've gained weight again and i have a really great double chin too now! Yeah, it's really hard to move on when all you've done is just ruining yourself. There are things we never tell anyone. Ya kadang-kadang aku rasa, semua orang benci aku dgn diri aku sekarang ni because i hate myself too haha. Jijik.

But one thing we need to know is that everybody left. No matter how much you cared about them, no matter how much they promised you they'll try to change and stay, they always found a way to walk out of your life. One second everything was warm and well, the next second you were all but forgotten.

You just can't let go of all the good times, you can't let go of all the memories and you can't accept the fact that you're really going to have to live without them. You just can't accept it though bcs you love them even though lately they've been driving you insane. You just want to be the one who heal the relationship, but it's not something you can do on your own. A relationship involves two people and you can fight like hell for it, but if they aren't willing to fight with you then you know you're hanging on to nothing, but you just can't let go. It will be really hard when you've been lied and your trust has been broken by someone that you didn't expect at all. The one who you used to tell everything and put your head on their shoulder.

I've been in that place. It's okay, let the time heals the pain.